Life
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Dark.

Like times before when I laid myself out bare to the night, I find only questions with no answers. Questions about love, questions about money, questions about sex … the simple things. Questions that only bring about more questions until I’m faced with fatigue and cannot ask any more questions.

Night.

When I sit in silence, only the wind dancing with the trees and myself fixated on some unseen point in front of me, can I find some calm. Some rest. Some peace. And then come the questions.

But not tonight.

Tonight I find myself not asking any questions, for I’ve grown too old to be chattering on like a child with many years ahead of him, but demanding answers to the questions I’ve whispered into this very same night some time ago. I’m finding that the night is angry with me.

It has been providing answers all this time but I’ve not been paying attention, and that’s not a good way to get someone to want to help you.

Here I am, dear friend. Asking of you the same things I’ve asked before, but older and more determined. I pray the answers have not changed from years past but will accept my fate either way. You know my questions, please tell me again the why, the what and the whom.

I am listening.

Fitness, Life
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So for the first time in approximately 13 years, I weigh less than 200 pounds. Only 2 pounds or so less but hey, it’s a start. Everything began at the beginning of spring when I bought myself a new bike. Nothing fancy, but a new bike that made me realize how much I missed being on a bike. My last one was stolen off my deck during the night about 10 years ago but truth be told I hadn’t ridden that one in awhile anyway. I did like it very much but the new one is more comfortable. The older was a larger frame size and slightly heavier.

In addition to the exercise, I began tracking calorie intake and the combo of the two seems to be doing the trick. When I started, I was 212 and now I’m 198. My goal is around 180 but if it ends up being more or less that’s ok. I’m really just looking to lose the extra weight I gained in college (too much pizza and sugary cereal. don’t judge!) so I may continue on this earth longer and more comfortably.

While I don’t really have a tendency to do things until I’m darn good and ready (to those that love and influence me: I am sorry, but thank you) this began much later than it should have. I will give a large part of the credit to my wife for staying stunningly gorgeous all these years and getting herself back into shape after two children. She has always been an inspiration to me even thought I’ve lacked the will to act on it. Other reasons include: not wanting to be the fat guy who huffs and puffs while coaching his son’s soccer games and really just not wanting to be the fat guy who huffs and puffs ever again. And maybe an excuse to buy some new clothes.

Life

Type, delete, type, delete.

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I’m trying to figure out the best way of cataloging my thoughts as they come to me. Since I don’t carry this laptop around with me everywhere I go, it’s a problem to have a good idea for a post and then not capture it fully only to attempt it later and wind up falling into what seems more like a typing exercise that will only result in breaking the backspace key.

There have been three good post idea that came to me in the past week but once I got down to attempt organizing my thoughts everything’s has kind of evaporated like a mediocre dream. Interestingly, there’s enough going on in real life and I’m not sure how it’s all going to pan out anyway so maybe it’s best to let it play out and write later? We’ll see.

Charlie, Jimmy, Life

Love and Loss

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I asked some Twitter followers for a list of sad songs to listen to recently and got a list of really great songs but none of them reached down and eviscerated me with the precision of the ones that I’d had already; then it occurred to me that none of the people I’d received recommendations from had children.

Granted, not all the songs that I listen to which turn me into a blubbery mess have to do with children and that’s certainly not meant to take away from the power of the songs that I was provided with but it gave me insight on my current perspective on life and where I’ve come from.

One overwhelming theme of the provided songs was loss. More specifically, loss of a partner due to a break up. It’s possible that I’m not affected by these songs as much as other sad songs because I’ve never experienced a loss that really killed me. Of course there’s been emotion and such but nothing that really stayed with me where some many years later I’m moved to tears by thinking about it. As far as relationship songs go, there’s nothing that tops “I will follow you into the dark” by Death Cab for Cutie. Mostly because when it turns the waterworks on, they are all happy tears. Every. Single. One.

And it’s because I’m positively certain I have found the most perfect person for me.

The other song that now does things to me that it never did before, since it’s a song that I’ve heard pretty much my whole life, is “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin. Since my boys were born, I can’t help but listen to that song through their eyes and IT KILLS ME. Completely.

I’m terrified that I will look back and remember just once that I didn’t choose to spend time with them over doing something pointless or that just couldn’t have been done later. They are more precious to me than anything ever and I’m doing my very best to ensure that they don’t ever have a time in their lives where they look back and remember me saying “Not now, I’m too busy,” and they knew that wasn’t the case.

I think that I’ve pretty much come to a point in my life where my own personal losses are nowhere near as frightening as seeing people I love hurt and must do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen. Especially by my own actions.

Life
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“It takes very little to make a happy life.”

A fortune cookie fortune, taped to to my cabinet for the last four months. A tiny reminder that my life is different now. Better. Simpler. I don’t have to look very far for things to make me happy. In fact, most of the time they walk up and say hello-or smack you in the face.

And you look forward to it. Everyday.

Jimmy says hello.
Life

Kick

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Pick it up, kick it. Turn it up louder and close your eyes.

Fill it up to the top and drink it in one breath.

Eat. Sleep. Play. Sleep. Eat. Work. Let it all run together.

Hug longer, laugh louder, smile wider.

Think. Act. Be.

Pick it up and kick it really hard down the street.

If it comes back…do it again.

Life

Make Good Words

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It’s really easy to complain. It takes almost no energy and when done as a release of negativity can be somewhat cathartic so it’s easy to fall into that trap of doing it all the time. I’m unfortunately well aware of how easy it is to fall into that trap and how hard it can be to pull yourself out of it if you’re not willing. Sadly, self-destruction is far easier than self-improvement. Well, enough already.

Time for more good words in a time of so much negativity. Time for being more positive when others continue to be so negative. Time to make something from nothing, just simply to avoid becoming nothing. Don’t wait, do it now with no excuses. Learn, grow, teach, love.

Someone is watching you whether you know it or not. Find an inspiration to keep going and don’t fall into the trap cause that person might just be relying on you to do better … be better.

Start by simple expression through words. It’s easy, only takes a little time and your brain will thank you for it. You know, that brain that you’ve been filling with the same television shows night after night. It needs you to need it. It’s a good brain, make it happy. Go right now and make good words.

Life, Web development

Unlearn

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I find one of the hardest parts about learning something is getting past what you think you already know about what you’re trying to learn. For example, I’ve been haphazardly programming computers for about 20 years (longer if you count Logo on an Atari 400). It started in junior college with an introductory course in Pascal and then I moved into C programming. Since I couldn’t write a functional line in either one of those with a gun to my head you can tell how well it went. Years later I picked up Java in the web’s early days. I hated that too and was forced through it again once I went back to school years later with the intention of becoming some kind of internet superhero. Now I focus my coding efforts mostly on Javascript, Python and PHP. Programming has become easier to learn and implement since my early days in C programming, and that’s also made it more fun.

This example has spread across many different facets of my life and I’m only recently noticing it. In becoming a parent, I’ve had to deconstruct the simplest of ideas in order for someone without any life experience to easily understand them. Explaining a concept like time to a three-year-old makes you force a look at your own understanding of it and how it relates to your day or why it’s important and in giving relevant examples to someone that doesn’t share your priorities can make you realize how well you do actually understand, well, pretty much anything.

I’m lucky that I do have a need to learn as I’m pretty sure that relaxing on what I’ve learned to this point might get me through the next few years but it wouldn’t make me grow and professionally I’m not being challenged in any way. It’s sad at times but this is where it’s up to me to put on my big boy pants and continue the growth. And yes, just right before this I wrote some Javascript that makes things blink, so there.

I really have no idea what I'm doing.